Thursday, April 7, 2011

  I had a crazy dream - not last night but the night before :) But the aftermath of the dream has just stayed with me like a weird aftertaste. It's a long story and if you don't stay with me until the end, I'll understand. I'm pretty much writing this for myself and so hopefully I can move on :)
   I used to have a reoccurring dream when I was a kid - about the ages 11 through 15 I'd say. It was the creepiest dream ever, and I totally forgot about this dream until two nights ago when for some reason, I had it again. Boy did it drag up some old memories I hoped were gone forever. I don't know if you remember the house I spent most of my growing up years in (say 11 to 15) - We tore that sucker down to build the house I live in now. It could be the creepiest house ever- they say the original owner- the Mill owner - hung himself in that house. I don't know if that's true or not, but when I was that age, I believed it. It was the oldest house in Fort Pleasant Grove- we had to get permission from the historical society to tear it down, which after lots of picture taking and noticing it was not made of soft volcanic rock, we got permission to do. Anywho- creepy house, hard life experiences there and some things that nobody should ever endure happened there to me (some most of you know, some I've never spoken about, ever, to anybody and I don't know that I shall) add all those things up and it equals bad dreams. 
   So two nights ago- in a bad Stephen King way- I find myself reliving a dream I totally forgot about. (but like childbirth - as soon as I realize what was happening- all those feelings and memories came flying back)
   As Tevye would say- "this was my dream"- In my mom's old house was a creepy little hall that led to the "toilet room". At one end was a solitary toilet and the other end was a furnace closet. In my dream if you went into the furnace closet there was a hidden concrete staircase that led to a unknown basement. It was dark and smelly. The walls had this nasty wallpaper that was grey with a circus theme print- clowns and elephants that were balancing balls on their upturned trunks while standing on a little stripped balancing platform. In my dream, I would be drawn to walk down those stairs while shaking the whole time. At the bottom of the stairs I found a fabric doll of mine that was soiled looking, it was crumpled up like it had been thrown away. I also found bones of I don't know what, that had been gnawed on. I remember it smelled awful and I just wanted to get out of there. I don't know if I ever saw what lived down there, but I remember knowing it was someone I knew who had turned into part human/ part animal.  I don't think I ever figured out "who" it was, just that I had some attachment to them and they wanted to hurt me. Sometimes I would dream that my mom wanted me to clean the stairs and down there, but luckily I never made it past that doll. I had this dream a lot. It sure made walking down that hallway a bugger.
   So two nights ago- I am the old house walking towards the furnace room, reliving my worst nightmare. It was awful. Even though I was asleep, I knew this was a dream I didn't want to have. But something was a bit different this time. I had my kids with me in this dream and Eddie. They went down the stairs with me past the hideous wallpaper and the sad, dirty doll was still there, and the bones, but you could tell, they hadn't been touched for a while. We walk past them into a huge room that reminded me of Harry Potter's "leave it and lose it" room ( I know it has a name- I don't remember it:) Inside this big room are old matchbox cars, rollerskates, books galore, huge pieces of furniture- some that I remember, some totally new to me. One big old 70's style couch was in there- it was blue and my cousin was sitting on it. This was interesting to me- through out the room were the cousins of my youth who I hung out with so much - they were hanging out down there with my "stuff" . I have no fear of my relatives :) These were the kids who helped me get through so much crap I had as a kid. I love them. So with my cousins, my kids and Eddie we looked through the stuff which was stored in this room. Things from my past. Good things and not so good stuff. It was all covered in dust, but looked in pristine condition. BUT I was not afraid anymore.I felt safe with them by me. It hit me when I woke up- that house is gone. We tore that house down and there wasn't a basement there. I think that deep down all those years I really thought there was one under it. There is no more scary guy with sharp teeth waiting to devour me. It is over. I have so many emotions running through me. I can finally move on. I can forgive. I can cry tears of sadness for a sad little girl who thought she was alone in the world.
    Thank you to my family and Eddie for being my strength. I feel reborn in a way and sad in a way. 

Sorry you all got to read this, but it has been bouncing around in me for 2 days now. I had to purge. Please don't speak of this with my mom. She has her own problems. Just know that I am a survivor of sorts and glad this dream had a happy ending. xoxoxox


  1. I'm a bit nervous about posting this :) be gentle and don't judge. thanks. I really had a wonderful childhood, just some bumps along the way- but who doesn't have those?

  2. Well if that's not a symbolic dream, I don't know what is. :) I love you mom, and am glad that your dream ended happy too. :)

  3. One day you will have to tell me of your hidden experiences and one day I will tell you of mine :)

  4. That house was pretty creepy. I use to be freaked out about the cellar or whatever it was under the garage.

    I'm glad we were there for you even in your dreams. I must say we do have a pretty sweet family.

    I don't forget and I think of hard or yucky experiences more often then I'd hope to. I think we've all got them and would prefer them forgotten.